theshadowboxer

Joseph Campbell quotations:


“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”

“The warrior's approach is to say "yes" to life: "yea" to it all.”

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

“Hell is life drying up.”

“Destruction before creation.”

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.”

“Awe is what moves us forward.”

“The divine lives within you.”

“Follow your bliss.”

“The heroic life is living the individual adventure.”

“There is no security in following the call to adventure.”

“Nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be.”

“To refuse the call means stagnation.”

“You must return with the bliss and integrate it.”

“The return is seeing the radiance everywhere.”

I have my own beliefs about God and all but I do find energy in these quotes.   As I fight my way on to the next phase...these give me strength. 

Not sure how this is going to sound.  I’m in one of those moods where I feel it is just important to throw things out there and let the pieces fall where they may.  Have fun, If you dare to wade through it! *-)

I have to admit that my mind has been racing a million miles a minute for the last few months.   I've been alternating between thoughts of future needs and the plans I have to make to get there.  Tempting fate is not in my nature, so I don't get lost in thinking that time is waiting there for me to decide when I'll turn my engines on and fly out of my self imposed lifestyle of mediocrity and striving.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not engaging on a downer or anything like that.  I've just been really taking stock of the years that have passed.  This last decade has been under a lot of scrutiny to be certain. 

Fuck people and their expectations.  I am not impressed by what other think of me (or whether they think of me or not... hee...hee).  My main concern is how I will feel if I am honored with the gift of years and finding myself able to climb to a vantage point or post to observe all that will be behind me at that time.  B is interested in thinking what B at five would think of himself now. 

What do I think?

Some people may think that I'm experiencing a midlife crisis but honestly, this has been how I have thought of things in my life since before becoming legally responsible for my life.  The funny thing is, I am now truly finding myself empowered to do something about it... to wake up and think, "Am I going to make the most out of this day or at least drink enough coffee, Diet Coke and water to help me put a smile on my face and just dive into the mix?"

In my 20's, I started finding myself waking up in a panic and the thought would hit me, "I'm going to die one day."  What is it going to be like?  Will I be aware of it?  Will I be afraid?  Will I have regrets?  Will I think, "Here we go" or "Well, wasn't that a fuckin' trip?"  I'll probably be thinking about my Mom and family.  I know that I'll be thankful for the gift of what I was blessed with because the people in my family are really incredible.  They are, we are, the most unique set of people to call each other a family.  Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a family dynamic as fun, twisted, outrageous, exciting, confounding, frustratingly taxing and loving. 

What will I be thinking? 

The focus returns to the here and now.  I'm living that life that I will be assessing at some unknown point (if given that chance to be aware).  So, what is the point in thinking about that time before it comes?  Live now and realize that everyday is ripe for initiating a change and living a life of possibilities.  With this in mind, I find that most days are becoming more bearable.  I’m certain that I have been in a rut for quite awhile and have fought many battles with undiagnosed depression and anxieties.  I think it was the baggage of a life that was not being steered by the conscious me.  No more shadowboxing with the past?  I can’t say that.  I’m finding that my life has been quite motivating and it is the revisiting of my old journals has helped me to identify my own bullshit and repetitious cycles of stupidity.  So, I welcome the occasional sparring match to remind me of the hunger of an alternate reality of me that I’m looking to merge with. 

So, I am approaching a milestone in my life next year.  This year, the 39^th for me, is going to be ripe for the noting of all things trivial and momentous.  I want to chronicle who it is that I am at this point and how I either choose to get into the ring to fight the depravity of lost focus and the unwillingness to fight and bring my dreams to reality versus a broken stupid man who was seen as having potential and squandered such a wonderful gift called life.

All the tears, the fights, the laughter, the friends, the lost friends, the strangers, the shining moon vigils, meals, lyrics, cluttered desks, desires, dreams… life…  It’s all here and out there.  I pray to God that I tap into that inner strength that generates that voice that I heard when I thought about killing myself back in 1994.  “Yeah, things are messed up right now but you helped create this mess and you can now make changes to get out of it.”  I am looking at the light and the darkness within me and realizing that I’m ready to get on with it.  I’m steppin’ out. 

 Reprinted from my Shadowboxer blog on the 20six.  April 15, 2005

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Sunday, 13 March 2005

...a2Of... ...a2Of... Did you ever experience any of this? I remember when I was your age.  My goal was to remember all the sensory impressions and to truly mark the great events in life.  My goal was to live openly and freely.  I had rationalized that when I was a child, what did I know?  I didn't control my life or have any say so in things that were going on.  I just had the responsibility of breathing, living...being a child and enjoying life as much as I could.  Yet I had my fears and inhibitions slowly building up...keeping a secret of being different and knowing that people would hate me...maybe want to fight me...maybe just want to hurt me.  And these things did come later in life (I still remember you, the man who predicted with certainty (and truly  hoped that I would get AIDS  and burn in hell with all the other people like me)... ...a2Of... What was it like for you? In my teen years, I remember the first major crush and  hard fall for someone that would never be able to return any feelings of love for me on that level.  It started out as a simple rekindling of friendship and turned into a series of events that would start side-swiping me out of left field with heavy duty conflicts and confusion that I hadn't known up to that point.  This was my best friend... How could I fall for him?  And, like a silly teenager, I displayed all the behavioral patterns of someone who was in love (or what love could be at that age with limited experience and understanding).   To this day, I still remember being thrilled by his physical presence and his favoring me with conversation over all others. He motivated me to work out and get my shit together.  He was the sexiest thing to me on the face of this earth...  I still remember when I first noticed him taking off his shirt in gym class and being dumbstruck with my heart beating so hard in my chest.  Man, I was a teenager in love. I remember how he looked in his basement when he invited me over to talk and look at the new guitar he bought.  I remember the smell of Downey fabric softner, the dampness ... humidity brought on by the washing machine, dryer and his body heat from working out... I remember the tight white t-shirt.  Whenever I see a man wearing a t-shirt today, I always think that I'm measuring all of them (these men I see) by the standard of male virility imprinted on me by HIM.   It happens on the deepest levels without my thinking consciously but I know deep inside it is there- the memory of him.  I feel it when I get thrilled. ...a2Of... What was your first crush like? And, to this day, I remember what it was like after we graduated from high school and the night's events after his  party to celebrate.  I remember staring out at the full moon (at least it looked like it was full) and my thoughts that night were of how many other people were staring at the same moon?  What were their dreams, thoughts, challenges and wishes as they stared up at the same time as I?  Then I heard his  voice proclaiming the brotherly love of best friends.  I remember saying that I felt the same way but he sat up and told me that he really loved me and that he would not have made it through the year without me.  I died a little more inside (a series of deaths claiming more of who I was each time - death of illusion, death of any hope, death of sanity, death of what the world thought was normal and accepted).  He then got up and gave me a hug.  I remember feeling his soft skin over beautiful muscles.  The sensation of my skin touching his... and I realized this is what I wanted.  I remember feeling the exact opposite at prom dancing with our prom queen...my date... and feeling that having her in my arms was not what I wanted.  He was what I wanted at that time and I would never have him.  Another death of a piece of me. ...a2Of... Do you know what I speak of? Slowly... pieces of the future started coming together.  The charade of my indifference to him slowly fell apart but in big chunks.  And, when it came crashing down, my best friend beat me up emotionally.  When he found out, he knew what would hurt me.  He attacked me  with the weapon that would do the most damage.  ...a2Of... Have you ever cried for days and weeks on end but hiding it carefully all throughout? I have not seen him since that day.   I have dreamt about him, thought about him, fantasized about another reality where we had interactions of all types, where we were lovers, where we were fighters, where we were performers ... and ... I dreamt about us just being friends again.  Since 1984, how many days have I spent thinking about him?  Physically, I have changed.  I'm not that newly emerging young man facing the world with a closet full of secrets and desires.  Physically, I'm sure he is not the same either...but he still looks the same to me in my mind.  I picture him in that tight white t... I see him slipping off the yellow gym shirt and getting ready for our next class, I hear the music playing on the boom box as we walked 11 miles together, I see and feel his skin on a moonlit near summer night ... I remember him leaning shirtless against the door frame smiling viciously and laughing at me ... knowing.. or  so I believed.  I remember going deep underground in fear of further rejection.  I remember finally coming to terms with this and harnessing the memories and turning it into motivation... and I remember getting caught up in other aspects of life and forgetting my motivations and going on to other attractions and men...but none of them were like him.  Why?  Because he was the one that I would and could never ever have.  Wow.  I'm a poster boy for dwelling tonight.  ...These memories came to mind because of you... ...a2Of... Now, I say hello to 2005.  I'm alternating between Deepest Blue's Deepest Blue followed by Massive Attack's Danny the Dog... and they seem to be the soundtrack for this post and my thoughts.  These two pieces shoud not go together but they fit each other to me tonight.  ...He's out there... If temptation ever came my way I know the words I'd always say I'll never hide my love from you You're my deepest blue... ...a2Of... Thank you for inspiring me tonight.

Out of This World

Original post 7/2/05 -slightly edited for here - I think I was "buzzed" when I originally wrote this.

I am pretty excited over the upcoming season of Battlestar Galactica.  When I was a kid, I loved the original series.  I was, even then, intrigued by the storyline of another race of beings out to eradicate humans.  The fight against extinction at the hands of another force.

I like the quality of the writing.  Ron Moore is one of the driving forces behind the show.  He was my favorite Star Trek DS9 writer and when I found out he was tapped to re-imagine the series... I jumped for joy. 

Lately, I've been thinking about not only humanity's struggle but of life out there in space.  The forms and variety that it may come in. but I do think the odds are in favor of there being life out there.  Look at the conditions that life survives under (here on earth).  I actually agree with Tom Cruise on this point.  It is too vast out there to rule out life.  We are used to things on this planet (and are still astounded when we find new species of marine life and insects and the like) ...  Life does not have to come in the same packages we are used to here. 

I am proud to say that I do believe in a Creator.  I am thankful for this gift of life...and to be able to contemplate existence and all attendant things.   I'm feeling pretty hippy drippy right now because it is a beautiful sunny day with cool breezes.  I think about how much we have to be thankful for. 

Today, with the Live 8 events happening, I wonder how we as a species will rise to the occassion of helping our brothers and sisters in Africa?  Can we afford to neglect a continent that is in so much peril?  To me, if we continue to try and turn our backs any longer, we will all pay the price spiritually, physically and more...  We are tied together.  Let's step it up... all of us.

As I end this post, I just think we are just all citizens of the world.   That is a very powerful thought if you take a moment to think about it.  ***Since the last few paragraphs were written, the London bombings and continued deaths on all sides continue in The Middle East and Africa (and, of course, elsewhere).  If some interstellar accident took place, it would not mind political borders.  If human beings were being herded for food by some super predator, I doubt it would ask if you were Roman Catholic, Jewish, Islamic, Baptist, Zoroastrian, 7th Day Adventist or whatever... We've all been put here with different colors, beliefs, eye colors, etc., for some reason and I think that one of them should not be to fight each other to the death.  I think we are missing the point. 

All props to Tatyana for her insightful and well written post. 

Let's stop pointing fingers and try using our hands to build a better world.  And, yes...all of a sudden "We Are The World" popped into my head and I chuckled.  But, it is true.  We need to save this world for all of us before it is too late.  Life in all shapes, sizes and forms is too precious to destroy. 

Changes and More...

Original Post on 7/1/05

I felt like a journal entry that I was working on yesterday was disingenuous.  A journal should reflect all aspects of someone's personality.  Yesterday marked the beginnings of a new start for me in so many ways and I think I was just riding high on the emotion of new discoveries and beginnings.  So, though I've committed said journal entry into my longhand notebook, I'm not going to include it here.  Why even talk about it?  Well, this is my journal and I feel like it.  LOL!

Some of what I talked about was finding new energy in things from the past.  I am at a point where I think the self-analyzing has paid off.  I'm seeing patterns that have always been there (but I seemed powerless to acknowledge and confront) and am now determined to adapt my future behavior to counteract the negative things.  It is like constantly challenging myself to be a better person.  The last few weeks have been very life changing for me.  I feel renewed and focused on one phrase, "This is it...this is my life."  This is my chance, in this specific form to do something. 

The picture of the day is:

Scars on the body and the soul can shape a lifetime. 
Now, I choose to define my scars, to make them mean something of my choosing. 
No longer will I let the external or internal scars stop me.   

Don't let them stop you either.

B!~

Maybe I should try using this thing.  Trying to consolidate all of my web activities in one area as much as possible. 

Testing!  testing!